Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Renaissance Deux.

        

        Long time, no blog. I've never in the history of FTBH gone on a hiatus that lasted as long as this one -- it's been nearly one month since I've updated! I'd apologize for leaving you hanging, but maybe I'd be flattering myself by assuming you were waiting for my return at all... heh. ;)

        The truth is, I completely lost touch with my own world these past two months. My priorities as a blogger, writer, curator, and individual fell to the detriments of a "romantic narrative" in which I became unhealthily invested. I was so dazzled by somebody else's personal universe that I belittled my own into a cognitive oblivion. I stopped blogging, lulled communication with my friends to an irreparable standstill, and let my manic delusions of worth - and more often, worthlessness - erode my reality into a deprecated pulp, one that I am still working to mold back into a tenable habitat. I do not yet know harmony, but I recognize that picking back up the familiar pieces - like my blog, my photography, and my community online - is one of many cornerstones in the healing process. I want to be better.

I never really "believed" in love until recently, and even still, I am cautiously tethered to the contention that it's a socially constructed phenomenon meant to pacify people, to distract them from the perils of a mechanized, industrial world, and to reinforce the American Dream cliche. The 'feeling' that is love is dangerously real, but its assumed necessity is definitely not. I learned that the hard way.

Clearly not versed in the language of romance, I believed that the ultimate overture of love was "ego suicide.” I slowly killed off parts of myself to prove to my partner that I was willing to make any sacrifice necessary to improve our relationship because, intuitively, I knew it was doomed to fail. Yes, the nuances of healthy coping mechanisms are lost on me. But body language, vocal inflections, social behaviors and word choices are not at all – it was too easy for me to tell that there was a discrepancy in devotion therein my relationship. My error was in not having rationally done something about these impulses early on. I tolerated them all and punished myself, believing that I was at fault for my partner’s waning interest. There is nothing that I could have done about that – there is nothing anybody can do to reignite the singed wick that is an indifferent lover. But there are many ways to survive an impending heartbreak that will not weather your personhood as severely as mine have these past couple months. I was unfortunately too late to learn them before I had my own heart broken.

The unrequited love canon is not new to me. In fact, what happened in January reminds me of a pedantic line in a sonnet I wrote when I was 15: “I do fear my maieutic speak has pestered you for days / but how else will I know that length has not yet killed the spark?” Translation: I recognize that me constantly needing reaffirmation that you love me is annoying, but since we’re in a long distance relationship, I need to hear it to make sure that you’re not over me yet. Advice for anyone in a similar position, or easing into a new relationship and feeling intuitively skeptical – seriously consider the relevancy of this quote right now: “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” If that is the case, do not lie to yourself about the reparations you feel ‘capable’ of making. Your partner has issues that they need to deal with independently of a romantic context. They may still have feelings for someone else. They may not share your passion. They may not be sexually attracted to you, emotionally attracted to you, mentally attracted to you. They may not feel attractive. Trying to solve these conflicts by throwing yourself even more earnestly into your partner’s arms will not solve anything. It is a toxic threat to your sense of self. It is suicide.

         No relationship is worth figuratively killing yourself to save. In fact, my willingness to ‘choke’ may have ultimately been what drove my partner to severance – he recognized that I would die for him, and maintaining the status quo would have made him accessory my own ego murder. He wouldn’t change for me. I would. I did. One week later, I still feel grotesquely out of body. This humming vessel is not my own – it is weak, sensitive, humiliated and humiliating. It is a permanent reminder that I am something I never thought I’d become, or thought I’d have been all along… passionate. I care too much. I love fatally.

        I want to say that I don’t know what it is that made my ex fall out of love with me. But I do know – it was my naïve persistence that he was ever in love with me in the first place. I loved him honestly and entirely and instantly because I am (can’t believe I’m saying this!) irrational. Yup. I am irrational. I am a manic, awestruck, saccharine sucker for love. He might be, too. But not with me, not that quickly, and not given our unfortunate circumstances. I was in love with him, and I was alone, and I sensed that solitude every time we were together. I thought that immersing myself more completely in his world, his domestic mold, his industry, and his being would serve as a noble and romantic testament to my affection. Maybe that insanity is romantic at the core… but to him, it was even more a reason to exact distance. It destroyed us. And because I became “us,” it destroyed me in the process.

        Love is yin and yang. Its capacity to devastate is as powerful as its capacity to save. I could easily escape the torment of having to miss my ex, to grieve his absence, to hopelessly crave his warmth and embrace by simply “switching off.” But if I did, I’d likewise sacrifice any hope of ever again experiencing the breathless elation his courtship brought me only a few months ago. I love that sensation too much to indefinitely give up. I guess, all in all, I love love. And the greatest, truest, most romantic ever way to prove it is to survive. I will not kill myself for love. I will live for it. Faithfully every day.

        Today I open a new page, start a new chapter, turn over a new leaf, and a hundred and one other foolish platitudes that are as true as tried… this is my ‘spiritual renaissance.’ Beyond survival, my excellence depends on defining myself independently of one other person. So we’ll start small. We’ll start here:

        Hello everyone. It’s nice to meet you again.

Everything really is infinite,

Bebe Zeva

59 comments:

  1. Finally new post ! i like this overknee socks:)


    http://alice-fashionland.blogspot.com/

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  2. you are beautiful and wonderful

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  3. Beautiful, Bebe. Every young woman needs to read and realize this and every older woman needs to be reminded of it.

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  4. Awn. <3 I´m glad you are back now. :)
    Hope you can be ok soon! love things hurts a lot, but when you found a guy who will love you as you love him will be perfect.
    :)
    xoxo.
    www.tastemycloset.blogspot.com

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  5. Love your socks and love that you're posting again. Welcome back. :)

    http://jonnessa.blogspot.com

    xx
    Jonnessa

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  6. very excited to see where your online persona/work goes from here. wondering what will stay the same and what will change.

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  7. You are beautiful in the outside and most importantly in the inside. This was really touching.

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  8. I've been in a similar situation love-wise and you figured all this out a lot sooner than I. As always, you're very inspirational. ヾ(●⌒∇⌒●)ノ

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  9. A really well-written post lovely, I'm sorry it didn't work out in your relationship but I have to say I'm glad to see you bad on the blogosphere lovely.

    Eda x

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  10. Love you, Bebe~ :)
    Bebe 2.0. - Glad you're back <3

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  11. this is so emotional and beautiful. thank you for posting something so honest, it's comforting in a strange way to read something so open from someone like you, who is such a beautiful role model X

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  12. I love your vulnerability and your ability to reflect. You're the best.

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  13. I'm happy you're back and I'm glad you learned from your experience. Your writing is so honest and raw, I love it. Here's to new beginnings! xx

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  14. love hurts, love kills. but it would be so boring if it didn't. Sorry to read about the break up of your relationship, but you seem to have a good head on it now, where you can reflect back and graciously move on. Love you blog and you style of writing. hanna <3

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  15. This text really touched me.. In a good way!

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  16. This is gorgeous!
    http://shradhaloves.blogspot.co.uk/
    S xx

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  17. ♡ You are so lovely and speak so eloquently.

    vivaladiy.blogspot.com

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  18. One of the most rational things the human mind can do is recognize its irrationality. You're ahead of the curve, dear girl. Thanks for sharing -- you write beautifully.

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  19. This entire post is breathtaking, thank you for sharing this with us, I can relate!

    www.tdarlingxx.blogspot.com

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  20. Glad that you're back! Lovely post!xx

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  21. Welcome back Bebe. Massive cuddles & smiles.

    http://thumbelinalillie.com
    Megan xxx

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  22. OH MY FUCKING GOODNESS! The way you wrote this blog literally made me feel like I was in your shoes and I'm not even the one heart broken! I used to write like this all the time and I stopped... you just gave me my passion back! Thank you! And welcome back!

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  23. I am so glad you're back! Really!

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  24. My best friend "Seduire" who commented on this blog told me to read this post because it sounded like me and at first I was reluctant to click the post. Just because I didn't want to read another post about a cry baby girl whining about love, the same way I do. And I am so happy I read this. I felt tears brimming and of course I didn't cry because I didn't want to waste another tear or another drop of energy on this man. But I felt everything you said. Every single word is me at this moment. I haven't blogged in an entire month because I am sick of writing about negative love and when I do have happy things to speak about, the energy is used towards making myself better or more available to him.

    I'm rambling now, but thank you for this. Appreciate it ten fold.

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  25. Oh, good to hear from you again! Good luck in your renaissance, it's true that love can be such a bitch... but it's always worth it.
    And I really love to read your feelings here, because it's not what I'm used to on this blog, but you have such a beautiful way to express yourself.

    xx Blanche
    http://the--albatros.blgospot.com

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  26. I loved reading this, I can completely relate to it right now. Glad to see you back though! Lovely post as usual xxx

    seeking--serendipity.blogspot.com

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  27. You are an inspiring individual, and your writing has touched me.

    Tom
    http://cutenessxo.blogspot.com/

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  28. How beautifully your words touch my heart I cant really describe.

    90five.blogspot.com

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  29. You are incredible! I'm so glad you're back blogging again, and I hope that you feel better. I suck at writing comments, but basically this post rocks and so do you =^.^=

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  30. I'm really sorry about what happened to you. When I was younger I was so sure I was never going to be one of those people who lost their selves for a beloved one, that I would've been able to dismiss anyone who hurt me and that I would've had a happy single businesswoman life :D and then I ended up having relationships in which I annihilated myself for the sake of staying together, when my significant other didn't make any effort and instead put even more distance between us. I had thought I would've been stronger than the other and different from all the other weak people, but that wasn't weakness, that's just how us, women, are taught to behave facing what we perceive as a failure in a romantic relationship. We internalize that we are the ones who must care and try and try again until we manage to fix things. Nobody ever tells us that we can, or better, SHOULD run away from those who hurt us and that the effort should be shared between us and our lover. And by the way that would mean giving up, and that's hard for someone who cares, woman or man.
    I really hope you'll be fine soon :)

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  31. Awww Bebe. I've been following you since the very beginning that you started blogging. And I loved you more with every single new outfit you posted. It was not just the outfit, it was YOU inside of that outfit. And the description above all pictures, which showed every time again why you're such an incredible writer. Your aura has always incredibly touched me in any way. You are so damn unique. Then I got a little surprised when you dyed you hair blonde and changed the style of your clothing. It's not the Bebe I've been follg for all these years. Now I've read this post, I wonder if that sudden change had anything to do with 'slowly killing parts of yourself' you described. You were the last person I expected to get involved in something like this. Never change your magnificent persona for a man, at least not for a man like him. Your story made me very emotional, especially in combination with that picture. There you do it again, touching me with your aura. After the same thing happened to me, I've been recovering for months. I barely ate, barely slept and all the life was completely sucked out of me. I don't want to see YOU like that. Not anyone, but especially not you. So I hope you'll crawl into one of your big gorgeous sweaters, cry a million tears and then find yourself back again. All the love in the world <3 <3

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  32. Beautiful post! I went through something similar a few years ago. You do eventually come out the other end so much stronger. XX

    www.makeabeautifulmess.blogspot.com

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  33. We missed you.
    I can relate to this post. Apparently time heals wounds. I just wonder how much time is needed exactly.
    You look lovely here x

    A Blog by Oroma Roxella Rukevwe

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  34. You are one amazing writer, I feel so much when I read your writings. They are all full of such wisdom and honesty, it is kind of like I can see your soul based on your words. And that in itself is truly beautiful. I hope that the old Bebe revisits and stays quite soon, and irrational love is not horrid. You just have to find the one that will reciprocate that love to you. Welcome back Zeva.

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  35. Good luck on your new journey...

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  36. It's really nice to read something so eloquently written and also something so honest. You are a really gifted writer too! <3

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  37. Oh Bebe, you never cease to amaze me. Yes, love is something that all of us fall for. Really, I believed that we fall in love with the idea of love. Not love it's self but the idea. But when you put it in a more tangible way, it's seen as something more then an idea. It's a reality. Bebe, I'm so glad that you have overcome this hurdle that life has thrown at you, you landed beautifully and with tact. You pulled yourself together and got yourself on track, but this time I can see it all, a new chapter. A new beginning. and I'm ecstatic to see it all unfold.
    Much love and take care.
    beka nicole

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  38. don't stop blogging :)))
    xxxxxx

    www.lachicadelcuarto.blogspot.com

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  39. Oh Bebe, tu es si sincère,
    c'est ce qu'il faut dans la vie
    <3 from France

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  40. This is amazing Bebe. it's insane

    Love, a thick poison of lies and illusions...

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  41. "Armour is the one human activity of any importance in which laughter and pleasure preponderate, if ever so slightly, over misery and pain." - Aldous Huxley.

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  42. You are literally one of the best writers I've ever seen. This was written beautifully and for you to be able to reflect on your experiences like that at such a young age is wonderful. I'm sorry about your experiences but life goes on and will get better.

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  43. Bebe, you are so beautiful and creative in so many ways. Whatever man loves you should make those beautiful facets of your personality - your fashion, your writing, your photography, who you are as a unique individual - pulse and grow and glimmer with wild light. You are a glorious, juicy ruby, don't let any man dull your jem-like self, Bebe Zeva.

    -E

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  44. Your writing is incredible. I can relate to this scenario EXACTLY. Stay strong Bebe. YOU are infinite.
    Also, sweet outfit, per usual.

    -Tabitha

    www.tabithaott.blogspot.com

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  45. Im glad your back, so sorry to hear about your heartbreak! No one needs to feel that :(

    Hayley xx
    www.addictionstoshopping.blogspot.com

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  46. bebe i'm not even sure what i want to say. i related to this a lot and have felt/done similar things in probably every one of my serious relationships, i think. i am fighting urges to use words like "strong" and "recovery" but i don't know how else to say that i think you are a strong person who will recover from this. i know this because i see that you are so capable of clearly expressing your feelings during this relationship only a month after (i'm assuming) you were involved in it, and re-immersing yourself in things that used to give you pleasure. it's taken me longer than a month to do those things, and in ways i'm still trying to re-discover things i used to like, find new things to like, wonder what "liking" feels like again, years and years after some of my relationships like this have ended. anyway, reading this made things happen in my stomach and heart and brain that "empathy" is probably closest to describing. i know the feeling of being extremely alone around a person and the futile desire to keep trying to fix something impossible, and the sense of failure and loss when you're unable to, despite it not being anyone's fault--i'm rambling right now, i started this sentence to say: i know some of the things you are describing can make you feel like the only person in the universe, that no one else will ever understand, but i think i understand and you are not alone. you have written this incredibly articulate thing that a "me just waking at 3PM" has no ability to match in a comment. reading this made me feel hopeful for you, and selfishly a little for myself, because i guess i've felt very alone in my experience of the things you've described here, and seeing it described by you, a person whose clarity of vision and vibrant, fearless attitude about things you feel strongly about i have always admired...yeah. lol. i feel hopeful. a very strong private kind of hope is what i feel, for both of us. mostly i just want you to know there is a person named megan who is thinking about you and beaming supportive thought-waves at you from a small bedroom in new york city.

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  47. Hey Bebe, first time commenting here but this was such a beautiful, open post I couldn't help it. I started reading your blog for the awesome photos but as most fashion blogs were getting old and impersonal I found myself returning to yours still for the words. Writing, creativity and friendships are always my first things I let go when I am not coping with something in my life as well. Congrats on picking up the pen again and good luck finding your way back to happiness.

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  48. After overcoming this, the next biggest struggle is to not let it happen again. Once you get a taste of love nothing else will suffice, and having experienced ego suicide for love once, it's a struggle not to commit it again. If you can find an answer to this problem, please share Bebe.

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  49. Very beautifully written!! I'm a romantic too, love love and fall too easily in "liking" someone. The things you do for love is crazy, but at the same time beautiful.

    http://cupidjazmine.blogspot.com

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  50. You are a poet, Bebe Zeva. A true poet. I really do understand what you were saying. I feel terrible for your heartbreak but you must always recognize your needs and make sure your partner can satisfy them. If they can't then maybe it isn't the right time for you two.
    Nonetheless, I'm beyond excited to have you back! Looking forward to upcoming blog posts :)

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  51. The depth of this post had me in tears because not only can I relate but it is all too familiar. I have also recently had my heart broken, and never in life have I felt that magnitude of pain that I attempt to heal daily. This post is confirmation that I am not alone and with time all wounds will heal. That despite the heartache I may be enduring, that in am a survivor. The way you express yourself, is breathtaking and with every word that I read, I become for infatuated with you as a being. You are an inspiration and I am glad I was lead to Lookbook and came across your blog. You have gained another faithful admirer and with every day that passes, my anticipation will grow to see your new post. Thanks for sharing your life with us. Follow me on IG @KASHAPPROVED101 kashayla

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