Tuesday, April 7, 2015

sequestrian

I was never on any sports leagues growing up and usually sat out of group activities in gym class, preferring to take a zero than one for the team. But for that I consider myself an athlete. See, I'm an olympian loner. I train all year for tournaments that no one knows exist because they don't. And I always come in first place. Isolation, solitude, withdrawal, social indifference... they're not games so much as they are tests of strength. They measure all the same qualities a traditional sport would: willpower, determination, passion, and for all intents and purposes cooperation - because who's to say the Self is one agent and not many working for and against each other at the same time? I don't need teammates to prove that I can make compromises or set up a winning play. For that I have states of mind; sovereign and nebulous, simultaneous and independent. In most cases I don't even play for the same team during the same competition... I play for both, all three, every and none at all. No hoops or hurdles necessary, no bridles, no bats, no balls. Only a court -- the one I inevitably take with me, that inevitably takes me with it. I don't really have a choice when it comes to participation. My only goal is to come out a champion -- by not ever coming out at all.



Forever 21 hat, Etro scarf, Sugarlips blouse, equestrian riding pants, Gucci pumps, Lanvin purse

Everything is infinite,

Bebe Zeva

13 comments:

  1. Gorgeous look, you look beautiful <3

    Hayley xx
    www.addictionstoshopping.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
  2. oh bebe...you're a incredible writer. have you read "white oleander" by janet fitch? "my loneliness tasted like pennies" came to mind when reading your entry. i've been there; when even if you could see the end of the tunnel, the only thing there would be another underwater void. when even dreaming is too agonizing; i dreamt of never-ending sleep, of numbness. don't give in. despair is not a dinner guest. "we are the norsemen: we fear nothing but feeble old age and death in bed"...or at least those were the words i repeated to myself, over and over, whilst languishing in the isolation olympics. i used to hold the world record for "girl without sense of self", building my decaying skeleton out of dust every day, watching the ash blow away every night. i remember telling my therapist it would take an act of god for me to feel anything but empty (and empty was a good day). but it didn't. it took meds, yeah, and months of ridiculous "positive self-talk" and painful time inside my head and sleepless night and skin-crawling anxiety. but i am so much happier today than i ever, ever thought would be possible for someone like me. you're unbelievably talented and the rare, self-aware beauty. it won't always be like this. don't give in.

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