eye can't see me

June 18th, 2015: no matter how much coffee I drink, I can't get my brain to 'turn on.' It's like the best intellectual work I can do these days is reading, but even that depends on luck and circumstance if my standard anticipates more than just recognizing words on a page without letting them aerate and flourish as sensible concepts. I had a breakdown yesterday while composing my resume -- as if that isn't uncharacteristic enough -- and realized that I haven't written creatively in years. Something happened... my verbal chamber went out of business, no longer accepts new clients, has yet to liquidate its inventory of the words I tend to use over and over again. I need more than a software update to revive my creative machine. I need more than oil to grease the gears. I need to replace this entire computer. But I can't. Because replacing the computer means replacing me, and at that point what good is an upgraded system when the experiences that motivated the upgrade in the first place... are gone? 

My eyes are insubordinate. They pull the blackout curtains down over my pupils. I incentivize them with caffeine, but the differentiating code that makes caffeine caffeine, a stimulant and not just a random molecule, means nothing to my body parts. They are unpersuaded and decline its request to operate. They don't care. They resist chemical protocol.  

How to see when my internal machines govern themselves? The sum no longer has any jurisdiction over the parts...



Styleart camouflage eyes custom muscle tee, Nastydress camouflage print blouse, Romwe sunglasses and boots, Vanessa Mooney chain necklace, Prada backpack, Perry Ellis windbreaker

Everything is infinite,

Bebe

manifest destiny

Feeling nervous about blogging today because I appreciate the possibility that no one will understand why I'm doing this. But to be fair nobody could understand unless they constituted and conformed to their own meaning. From my perspective, the back and forth motion between this life (a digital routine replete with photoshoots and self-promotion) and being elsewhere (whatever happens in the time between phases of regular activity) is completely chaotic and informed by chance. So there's no theme, no inspirational narrative underpinning my frequent departures and returns to this platform. It's just possible, and that's why I do it. Because I can, because I don't not. I clearly want people to believe there's a reason for all of this, and fortunately I'm sure they do. Most people 'believe' more than they accept meaninglessness... because production is easier than deference to information that cannot be justified. So I don't have to do much work. Anyone reading this will impose onto it their own hypothesis 'why', on behalf of me and in service of themselves. And that's... fine. A fabricated reason is less embarrassing than full disclosure that I am powerless and illogical and unlikely to ever stay in one place. 

Don't feel obliged to stay in one place either. I'm sure today's sponsor would love if you navigated to their page after this one -- wholesale retailer Nastydress endowed me with this chiffon top among a handful of other cute pieces! I'll debut those looks later this week; for now you can peep a preview in the new arrivals section or clothing and lingerie departments.



Feather print chiffon top c/o Nastydress

Everything is infinite,

Bebe